Walter, I've got a bone to pick with you..

Why did Disney make his heroes so attractive? I've been sitting here for the last hour, compiling a list of all-time favorite Disney characters, and repeatedly I think to myself, oh yeah, he's cute too.  I'm talking Aladdin, my favorite Disney character, who happens to also be the man of my dreams, John Smith, the handsome adventurer who cares when others kill, Prince Eric, who...well,yes, I melt. It's embarrassing.  Of course we fall for Disney guys.  They're beautiful, one, like Prince Eric, with gorgeous blue eyes and wavy dark hair.  They're built, two, like Mulan's Shang who could take on any guy I know and undoubtably win my affection.  Then they're adventurous, three, and scrappy like Aladdin, who does the best with what he's given and is still just as charming.  To top it off, ALL of these men are hopelessly romantic, just like every single female on the planet! It's not fair.  Guys like this simply do not exist.  I mean, I've met beautiful guys who turn out to be duds, and I've met eh, okay looking guys who turn out to be wonderful.  But together the traits just do not exist.  Which once again begs the question, why did Disney make these wonderful men so attractive? What was his angle? To introduce girls at a young age to to joys of man candy?  To raise the bar unbelievably high for our future suitors? To ensure that we will, in fact, never be satisfied with the men around us so that we'll never marry? Walt must have been a father.  

And then the princesses. Don't even get me started.  You're talking to the girl who in second grade thought she WAS Jasmine, despite her obvious lack of a palace, dark hair, and a tiger. Sigh.  These heroines who have nothing better to do with their lives than find the perfect guy, fall in love, and live happily ever after...they make me sick.  Granted, Cinderella had a pretty crappy life previously, so I'll give her a pass, but I don't like her much either.  What what her little animal friends dressing and cleaning with her.  Cuckoo.  Anyway, these women not only have their lives going for them, but they're all perfectly beautiful and skinny and drive in the point that, if you're hot enough, the world is yours.

There are the Disney characters I love (and don't get me wrong, I love them ALL, no matter how frustrated I get), probably because they're not human and improbable...they're just..improbable and wonderful.  For example, Iago from Aladdin, perfect villain, annoying yet entertaining, lovable and hatable at the same time.  Genie and Abu from Aladdin as well, I could just go on about that movie forever--I do adore it.  Timon and Pumbaa who are the debatably the greatest duo of all time and never fail to keep you laughing, Dory, Simba (who, twisted as it is, is still quite the attractive lion), the list goes on. 

Oh Walt, you did impact my childhood, and you improved it if only for the fact that you introduced me to musicals. You just also destroyed my shot at satisfaction in marriage, permanently lowered my self-esteem, and have lessened the amount of love I can give to any average parrot, meerkat, or big pig I run across. I can't decide wether to thank you for years of entertainment or slap you for distorting my view of the world.