transitioning

I'm at a weird stage I think, as far as stages go.  I'm transitioning, slow going as it may be.  There is so much that I'm grasping for on my apparent horizon, yet there is so much to which I'm clutching from my recent past, daring not to let go for fear of forever losing what I deemed important.  But I am letting go. Painfully, I find myself less and less keen to call old friends, although my definition of old is less than half a year in length.  People and things that made me happy in high school, things that made me full, now leave me feeling icky, for lack of a better word, and wishing everything could simply fade.

And while I'm here slowly pushing old friends away, building indifference and distancing, I find there's little to which to move on.  I thought myself closely bonded with those around me in previous years, and while college is a wonderful new and exciting experience, I've yet to reach that point here. I've yet to find my rock, my person, the stuff that makes me full.

Tonight I'm just full of the things I can't do.  I can't tell you the secret  you desperately need to realize, I can't give you the advice you'll never take, I can't console you, I can't change your mind. I can't make you laugh, I can't give you hope. I can't save you.

Because transitioning is weird.  All the reasons I was a good friend before are slowly evaporating, and all the reasons I can be a good friend in the future are yet to be realized.  And that leaves just me.  That leaves me figuring things out on my own, trying to find my fit. 

So I'm searching for constants.  And as it turns out, it takes a transitional period to realize who you don't want to transition from.  It takes this kind of period to realize who you're becoming and what is helping you get there.  It takes this kind of period to help you realize who and what to hold on to, the rock on which to cling.

That's when I get drawn back,  and I realize that I have the most important constant of all.  I have a Savior who is walking with me every step of the way, even when it's just the two of us.  While recently it's not always the foremost thing on my mind, but maybe that's what this transitional period's all about--maybe this is my reminder that I need to be overflowing with God's love before I can full in other parts of my life.  Maybe it's my reminder that my constants here are constants because they support me in my walk with God.   Maybe this is my reminder that it's never just me.  Maybe I just need to remember where to turn.