It's weird looking death in the face. I don't mean that as people normally do. I didn't overcome cancer or live through being mauled by a bear or anything cool. I mean, it's weird looking at it--analyzing it, picking it apart. I feel like I'm the annoying girl talking about it all the time, but I can't help it. It's been the first thing on my mind for almost a month now, and seeing as this is my personal diary, I feel I can mention it. Anyway, like I said, it's weird. It makes you reevaluate things. I've been through all the poor-me questions. The ones that ask why I thought you were so happy when obviously you were suffering so deeply. The ones that ask what my life is worth if I can't help save you. The ones that ask why you willingly left me when you told me you loved me--you said we were family, who the fuck abandons family. The ones that ask if you knew what you'd do to me when you left, if you even cared, and where you could possibly be now. I've repeatedly asked the poor-me questions. I realize they don't help. They just push me down further and further each time. Each time I have a little chat chit with my Savior and the feelings subside, but they always comes back.
Today, I was reminded differently to "buck up there, kiddo." Today I was blessed by children. Their innocence, their excitement for the world around them, it's inspiring. The fact that the smallest things make them smile, their amazement that I can spell words like "antenna" and I can throw up a Skittle and catch it in my mouth, the way they make me laugh--that is heartening. Today I remembered how awesome it is to excite kids about the world, and how important it is to keep them excited about it throughout their lives. Today I was inspired by twinkling eyes and dimpling smiles, by curious minds and open hearts. Today I got excited about life instead of being discouraged by death.
So the feelings are still there--the poor-me ones. The icky, burning questions that weigh me down. But I have new questions too. The ones that ask what I can do to get these kids' brains working. The ones that ask what I can show them today that they've never seen in their entire lives. The ones that remind me what I can do here to make a difference.
I get why Jesus wanted the little children to come to Him, why the kingdom of God belonged to them. With their excitement for their Savior and the life He's gifted them, with their hearts open and yearning for positively everything there is to teach--for Jesus, and for the world, there is no better pick me up.
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