birthdays

I am a mere 24 hours and 26 minutes from turning 19. That sounds old to me. Granted it's still a "teen," but it seems different. I used to always imagine my college self as a whole new woman. Ha, I would drink lots of tea/coffee, have numerous intellectual conversations, I'd be productive and involved. I'd be a grown up. This is not the college me. I'm still binging on chocolate, my conversations revolve around the weather, and I'm always distracted by facebook. The glowing college life I so looked forward to has turned out to be just life. It's a life I love, granted, but I just don't feel like a college kid. I feel like me--a me that's not quite 19. But I can't wait for cake :)

Hobbes got me down.

"Nothing is more easily broken than a man's word" -Thomas Hobbes. I'm not sure if I entirely agree with this little tidbit, but it certainly is interesting. It's easy to boast of being "a man of your word" when nothing is at stake, but what happens when you get tested? It's easy to waver. Extremely small scale example: today, I told myself I was going to run three miles. By the time I got to 2.5, I was a sweaty, panting mess and I figured, who's gonna care if I just stop now? It's not like this was set in stone. I'm still here, running. I did most of the work. Who cares what "I said" I would do. There I was, fully capable of finishing, but fully willing to go back on my word with just that bit of opposition--a little fatigue and I was ready to give it up. Sometimes, it's not just fatigue that tests the strength of our word. Sometimes we're faced with much more. And we figure really, what is possibly hurt from changing your mind? A little respect? Sometimes not even that. And in comparison to the challenges and tests with which we're faced, do we really hold the value of our word more highly than things we cherish--our reputation, our ambition, our well-being, our life? I believe that every man has a breaking point. Every man has a point where his word no longer means a thing. We reach a point where we're ready to deny our word, everything we are, if only to achieve our goals. We are only human, after all. It's all a matter of being pushed. Maybe it's the fourth, or fifth, or even sixth mile. Maybe it's a secret waiting to be spilled. Maybe it's more. I'd like to find a man whose word isn't easily broken. I'd like to find a man who proves Hobbes' pessimistic view of human nature false. Because if he's right, then how can we live with one another, how can we look each other in the eye, convinced there is something more important than self-interest?

Who am I kidding..I won't sleep for awhile.

When I was in first grade, I went through a spell where I would get a headache virtually every day. It was brutal (\m/). Every day I would tell Miss Ungamacht (worst teacher ever, by the way) that my head hurt, and every day she would tell me (essentially) to go get a glass of water and get over it. Right now, I have one of my worst headaches since 1st grade. I've consumed 6 water bottles full of H2O in the last few hours. Miss Ungamacht, you're wrong. I need some advil.

on sleeping in

I slept until 3 p.m. today. That used to be pretty normal for me on a Saturday. Noon was early, two was average--there was no reason to get up in the "morning." A days slept through was a day well spent. However, today I felt (yes, felt) as though I'd wasted the whole day away, just like mom and dad always told me I did. Either they've always been right, or I'm wrong today. Ultimately, I've only been up for 11 hours..good luck to me getting to sleep now.

Counting my blessings

I have been supremely blessed in my life. I say that all the time--at interviews, in discussions and reflections. In fact, I use the line so often and in so many variations that I sometimes lose sight of what it means to be supremely blessed. I forget how it feels to be completely and utterly overwhelmed by God's grace and every good thing he provides. It is so easy for me to spout the words, "hey, I'm blessed," and then get caught up in hardships and drama which I know have the tendency to pass. The cool thing about blessings--they're not something you "get through." I've found they penetrate time. They're the stuff you fall back on and the stuff that spurs you on to more and richer blessings throughout life. Friends (or just me), today I am overwhelmed by God's grace, and today I remember how it feels to be supremely blessed. So I'm going to document it. Not because I think it'll be interesting, but because I know how easy it is to forget. So read on, if you'd like. Or if you're in fact me, read on if you're forgetting how blessed you are.

First and foremost, I was and still am blessed with wonderful parents. These two darling 50 year olds who nag about my messy room and the fact that I don't text them back daily, they are the same two who loved me enough to have me baptized me as a mere babe and who welcomed me into God's family. I have been blessed with the love and support of the man who literally cries (in anger) over spilled milk yet absolutely spoils me rotten and of the woman who can hardly understand how to turn on a computer yet possesses all the knowledge of love and care in the world. I have been blessed with two built-in role models, and I can only hope for them to rub off on me.

I have been blessed with the brothers who would not stand for me to grow up a wimpy girl--and I truly thank the Lord for that. For the older brother who gave me stitches from too much rough play and for the little brother who hangs on my every word (whether or not that is good for him), I could not be more grateful.

I've been blessed with friends--the real kind. Not many people can say they have what I have. I have two best friends who will be with me until the bitter end--even if I temporarily feel as though we're far apart. If I say the word, they'd be there. They fill me to the brim with laughter and love. As I 9 year old I could not have possibly imagined how God would use them in my life. I fully expect to live with elephants and anvils, superheroes and singalongs for as long as I live.

I've been blessed with role models. I've had teachers I've sworn to mimic and friends who remind me what's right. Most amazingly, my life has been blessed by a mentor, pseudo-big brother, and friend who demonstrates the love of Jesus in every action and whose pride and love I strive to earn and keep. Center of the universe? Maybe not. But definitely the most influential and real example of a man of God that I've seen demonstrated in this life. Having those footsteps to even attempt to walk in--that's a blessing.

I've been blessed with a brain. I'm no rocket-scientist or surgeon, but God has given me the ability to think for myself, to be excited by knowledge, and to engage in conversation on meaningful topics. And I've been blessed with opportunity to use my brain and to develop my still naive view of the world. College was always the plan, and this is a blessing I often take or granted. Brainpower is a blessing.

I've been blessed with a healthy body which allows me to tai chi and potentially run marathons. I've been blessed with a voice which allows me to sing along with the radio and speak my mind. I've been blessed with an amazing home with a great big old flagpole which represents the amazing blessing of this land of opportunity and freedom and unity. I've been blessed by chicken wings and chocolate, with successes and with failures, with kindergarten soccer games and high school show choir, with love and with loss, with laughter and the occasional tear. I've been blessed with constant reminders of Christ's love. And seeing these blessings, knowing this love, allows only one option--to reflect this love and use this recognition to help others. For this I will strive, and my earnest prayer will remain for the opportunity to be the blessing to others that others have been to me, and for the courage and the strength to take on these opportunities with zeal. I thank the Lord for He has given me so much more than I deserve. I have been supremely blessed. This is not just a flippant statement used in an interview; this is not just a line that flows decently in an introduction letter. This is my reminder of everything my God has done for me and continues to do today; this is my recognition of joy.

thoughts on platypi and toothpaste for x-SiMpLe-x

Bad breath is like platypus venom. Did you know that platypi are venomous creatures? You wouldn't unless you got super close--and it got ya. The same goes for bad breath I believe. You've got attractive people, good personalities, but get close--bam. It gets ya, and you wish you'd never been enticed by the beautifully interesting platypus in the beginning. Bad breath ruins relationships, and brings great acquaintanships to a rearing halt. Who wants to kiss a venomous platypus? Not I. A kid with bad breath? Me neither. So brush your teeth, friends (I prefer my aquafresh orange toothpaste..but whatever works for you). Cause otherwise you won't be going indoors for a very, very long time.

From the desk of the supreme ruler of Athens:

I'm going to start off doing a little bit of explaining because otherwise nothing I say will make much sense at all. Alright. We've been playing this game in politics class. It's kinda screwy--we go around pretending we live in Athens in 403 B.C., and we all have a specific political role we stick to...good things. Anyway, my role? I was to overtake Athens and rule it as a tyrant. I told you, screwy. Today(the last day of the game) though, got super weird. It basically turned into abandoning principles in order to "win," which really doesn't matter at all. Mass chaos, I'm telling you. The long and short of it is that I somehow ended up as supreme ruler of Athens--yeah, I won. Crazy. And so not worth all the lying and cheating and coercing I did the last couple weeks.

My first instinct as leader of Athens? I killed six people. Not literally, don't fret. But I sentenced people to death! I took it back merely seconds later...but really! I was pissed at people who didn't support me during the game, and I had power--therefore I killed. What kind of a person does that make me? Power truly blurred my principles--stupid fake power even! Funny I guess. The way other people acted too, which I won't go into in detail, was funny, for lack of a better word. Questions of human nature were raised in my mind..but I'm tired so maybe I'll talk about that some other day. Maybe not though. I haven't had the mind to be deep lately...

FUN fact of the day!

I learned the drinking on St. Patrick's day originated as a way to disrespect and make fun of the Irish! So my trip to the library instead of to parties was really me respecting my Irish ancestors, and they WOULD, in fact, be proud!

Also, I got to run outside today! So great!

sickliness

Today I was asked by 6 different people if I was sick. Tomorrow, I'll shower:)

I have this nagging sense of uselessness. The overarching question for me as of late has been simply, what's the use? What dent can I possibly make in the universe that would cause the world to be made that little bit better and produce the feeling of fulfillment for which we aim? Because, as far as I can tell, it's kind of a lost cause. Sin has caused our world to be stuck in this bottomless rut--who am I to think I can drag it out from the place its been since...well, a really long time. I don't know I guess. Today I was reminded that we strive for greatness--we strive for better than what we have, because why would we settle for anything less? But tonight I'm just..blech. I'm willing to settle. I think I need more than direction. I need a good strong push.

HAPPY PI DAY!!!!

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989... 

Ah, 3/14:) What a great day!

Today is the day I thank Mr. Zoellner for his transforming me into a math-hating fifth grader into....well, a math geek.

Then, also, I'll thank lovely Mrs. Larson, and the oh-so-attractive Mr. Meyering, and most of all Mr. Sean Foley, whom I love dearly and of whose actions I will forever be a fervent supporter. I should send all you guys a pi(e)! Yay math, yay pi!

Only 5 more years til this gets even better with 3/14/15 @ 9:26!

This week, I believe I fully got over my fear of needles. Not the big guys, maybe, but I gave blood--double even--without crying. So that was a plus for the week. I also became entirely fed up with politics, I learned my first song on the guitar, and I officially signed up for my marathon. Between these events, I've been busy to the point of near insanity--which I hate to complain about because everyone is busy.. But I'm literally sitting here unable to sleep because my mind is in so many places at once.

Today I realized I need more conversation--real and good conversation--in my everyday life. People like to talk. And more than that I love to listen, and as of today it is my goal to move past the "how are your classes" stage I seem to be stuck in with so many people. Easier said than done I think.

Today I conceded a point. So unfortunate. Also, I learned that I have completely no self-control and because of that I now feel quite sick. Finally, I need to keep a closer watch on my words--cause I feel like I could be using them for better. I will now lay down my aching head and hope for the best. Night:)

New food i tried today: concrete.

Storytime:

I was walking from the my brand new job at the Theater and Dance building--which really isn't all that exciting..but at least I get hours. Anyway I was on my way to Tai Chi class at Lund. It was sure to be a good day. I waved hello to a friend in passing, but really there was no one around the parking lot I was currently crossing. I decided to take a short cut through the math building(seeing as I was already late for meditation and finding my chi), and as I neared the edge of the parking lot, I had to take a step up to the sidewalk. Either I was in too much of a hurry or my mind was someplace else..but I can assume you'll guess what happens next.

I bit it. Hard. I think I missed the curb or something, but this was quite the trip. Not the type of trip where you fall, catch yourself with a big step forward, heart racing, and you look around to see how many people saw you almost go down. No. This was the kind of trip that found me horizontal on the ground in about .4 seconds. This trip left my hands torn up and bloody, my limbs bruised, and my ego shattered.

It was great. Really. It was the kind of fall you dream about watching somebody else have. I would have adored to see it from the 3rd person. It could have been so so funny--had there been anyone around with whom to share it. But everywhere about me, there was no one. Which made it about 156,786 times more awkward. Actually there was a girl. She approached my sad scene from the left and laughing I told her that I was glad she could share that moment with me. She looked at me blankly. She was not entertained. Also. So awkward. It was then when I got up and began my stumbling flee of the scene. I heard the girl's voice, and I turned around hoping she'd just make fun of me--or something. This is what I got: "You dropped your chapstick."

Really, girl, really? I dropped my chapstick? That was funny. Laugh at me. Dah. I just had to share that in some form or another. An embarrassing moment of this proportion can't go unappreciated.

I'm a little bit country..

I've missed my country music. It's all such good stuff. So hick and yet so good! It really brings me back to about 6th grade...when I was at the peak of my awkwardness(well, one of my peaks)..when I wished for my cowboy to take me away...and my very own Josh Turner to ask me to go with him...I was so so pathetic. I blame country music for my idealized ideas of love and of heartbreak. Heartbreak is something to aspire towards--it makes great music! That and dogs dying and of course, liquor.

u is for ukelele

Okay, so today I've been trying to figure out how friendship works. Or moreso how acquaintanceship works..I mean usually we look to the other person. We want their personality to jive with ours, we want them to strike up a conversation...all those good things. But of course, they're looking for the same thing from us. How is it so easy to talk to one person, and impossibly painful to talk to another? It sounds easy enough, outgoing people are easy to talk to. But outgoing people have the same issues as shy people do at some point. How the heck do I have friends? How did I know which conversations worked with which people and how do things sometimes just click? When I'm having an off-day or have a painful conversation with someone--is that my fault in missing out on a potential bffffff? This is all a more organized ponderism in my head, promise.

So that was awkward..

Nothing's better than ex-boyfriends. I haven't had many, but the ones I've had have provided some really great entertainment. From saran wrapping my car to sending me McDonald's toys with dirty messages--they're just great. Saturday, I had the tremendous privilege of spending time with the two most recent ex-boyfriends.

The first one was not so bad. I mean, he did buy me a toothbrush. Weirdly enough, he bought me a toothbrush I already have--it's Spiderman and it suctions to just about anything--without knowing I had it. Strange that our brains are still in synch. We had much fun though. Which surprised me. I've decided to compare him to a little puppy who you put in an alley but he keeps finding his way back home....except I think this little puppy finally knows his home is in the alley so I can play with him just fine without him getting his hopes up of coming inside. So that was positive. We bought a pinata together..great times.

Ex-boyfriend number two. Really this one shouldn't have been very awkward. I mean we were moreso friends than anything else and we only dated three weeks.... but trust me, it was hella awkward, at the start. Mainly cause when I broke up with him I told him it was going to be because I wan't going to be home til, eh, April or May and I didn't want to do the distance thing....hey, I'm here not even two weeks later. I got the I'm-not-gonna-look-at-you-and-pretend-this-isn't-a-big-deal-at-all thing. It got better as the night progressed thought. And it coulda been worse. Gotta keep steppin to get the bros back I suppose.

In theory, two in one day sounds way more exciting than this.

I need more ex-boyfriends.

Coffeeshop to get coffee

I'm posting this just so I never forget it:

Alright. So. Saturday. I'm home for the weekend because I have to sing..yadawhatever. So I'm leaving for California in three weeks so I figure I better go swimsuit shopping (which..I didn't end up doing on this day, but we'll talk about that later). So I decide to go to Target--prime swim suit selection, for sure.

Anyway I'm in the parking lot, walking in the sunshine from my car to storehouse of wonderment (as I often call Target... except I never have ever..now I will though..maybe). There are a lot of people shopping for life necessities and pleasures; it is a Saturday after all. So I had to park way back and thus I've got quite the way to walk. Let it be known that I did not look cute this Saturday by any means--you know how I feel about cute and this was an off day even for me. Okay so picturing? Sunnny Saturday, me walking in crowded parking lot, looking not cute. That's the setup.

I'm walking, not speed walking but certainly not turtling it, and this car pulls up beside me, stopping in the middle of the parking row as it's window starts rolling down. Confused, I glanced to my left at the small silver car to see what was up. The driver was a man, bald with glasses. I'm going to be generous and say he was 52. He shouted his "excuse me" so that I too stopped beside the car. And this, friends, this is roughly how our conversation went:

Dinosaurman: Excuse me, miss.

Me: (thinking he needed DIRECTIONS) Yeah, can I help you?

Dinosaurman: Yes I just wanted to compliment you and tell you that you are a very beautiful lovely young lady.

Me: (Okay this is strange, I mean I look horrible, but I'll go with it) Um, thank you sir.

Dinosaurman: Yes, you're just so lovely. I was wondering if you were not in some sort of relationship if you'd like to accompany me to a nearby coffeeshop to get some coffee.

Me: (What the hell?? Panicking...) Uhm, uh...I'm kind of really busy right now..I've got to be in and out of here and then....

Dinosaurman: Well here's my number..can we call and schedule some other time?

Me: (Shit now he won't even believe me if I tell him I have a boyfriend) Well, I kind of live in St. Peter, and I just don't think...

Dinosaurman: Well I can come...

Me: I'm sorry I've really got to go.

Dinosaurman: Oh, alright. Well I'm sorry to bother you. You really are lovely. God bless you, honey!

Me: Have a great day, sir.

Maybe that doesn't seem that completely weird reading it (it was longer and more awkward). But seriously. What. The. Hell. Who tries picking up someone in a parking lot? Better yet, what 55 year old does! That's like...come-in-the-van-I-have-candy-creepy. I'm like 12-looking. So yeah, creepy experience for the day? Check.

Camp

First, going back to..Thursday. I have a job! I truly could not be any more excited or more humbled. The Lord is good! And He wants me to further His cause by teaching His children! How awesome is that? Plus a summer of canoeing, archery, and Dare Base--I don't think it could get any better. It's taking everything I am not to start a countdown now. A summer of kidlets and a summer of Jesus. I simply cannot wait.

And so I've been thinking about it, obviously, cause what else could I possibly have to think about, and I do get myself a littler nervous. I've been a little hung up on what a great experience this is going to be for me. I'll be around people who will be continually strengthening my faith, I'll be having all the fun I can possibly think of--I am going to have a great summer. But if I'm doing this for me, then why am I doing this at all? If I'm not going to strengthen others, if I'm not 100% committed to everyone BUT myself, what good am I for God's kingdom? Note to self: focus on building others, and you too shall be built up; focus on loving others, and you too shall be loved; focus on God, the rest will follow.

But again, could not be more excited. To be immersed in God's word for 83 straight days? That's pretty awesome. To see God's will continually done? Awesomer.

84 days til camp:)

Here goes

I really want to blog tonight. It's been awhile since I've had some deep thoughts...actually I don't think I've ever had deep thoughts...but I feel all jumpy inside and I feel as though it would help to just journal for awhile. So bear with me, me..

I'm trying to see how much longer the titles of my posts can be compared to the actual post themselves...

1700%

What I learned from Miss Congeniality 2:people care about people who care about themselves...and I'm annoyed by those people

I'm tired of being obsessed with body image. Moreso, I'm tired of people telling me to be obsessed with body image. God doesn't make mistakes and he loves me even though I don't know how to apply makeup, and the fact that I wear sweatpants more than I wear jeans does not make me any less of a person in his eyes. I'm excited for camp--where the way I dress is the norm and people have better things on which to focus than the way their legs look and dressing cute all the time...whatever that means.

I had this really long rant about body image written out, but it wasn't interesting enough to post. I'm just in the part of the cycle where I'm unsatisfied and easily annoyed when the inferiority of my appearance is incessantly pointed to. That's all :)

This one makes me taller..and this one makes me smaller..but which is which?

In my very core, I loathe Alice in Wonderland. I always have. There is no structure, no logic. It is silly and meaningless, and even as a seven-year-old I understood that there is no point. Unfortunately, I find that I have few friends tonight and thus my only option is sitting here with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-I'm-So-Dumb-(something clever that this movie doesn't even deserve). Why is the world so entertained by children on hallucinogens--I mean it's a funny idea..but in practice...

Sorry that's all I have time for..I'm really late..

filler..

So, I'm lately finding that I have little or nothing to write about. Probably because I'm finding that people..even if it's just a few...do read this (ick, stop:) )and therefore I'm thinking too hard and wishing to be deep, and, as I've found, I'm really not all that deep of a thinker. I suppose I've been here far too short to have experiences and wisdom too share. Boo hoo. So today: random thoughts.

One, I'm hungry. And I no longer care about being healthy. Screw vegetables. I want Oreos. I almost feel like I can now that I'm running...which leads me to my next thought. I think I'm too big of a chicken to actually commit to running a marathon. Which is why I really want to do it. I need a goal. I'm super antsy--super so you know its real.. Anyway I need a goal to keep me goin and focused. And there's plenty of reason for me to find something on which to focus. Dah..pretty soon I need to decide if this is it. Random thought three: I'm scared of failing. So maybe it's good if I do fail so I can learn from it...but if I'm thinking that way now, that's just giving me permission to fail and through that I'll learn nothing. So. Don't fail? We'll see. Chapstick is great. I am tired.

Miles clocked: 11...according to dad that means only 289 before I'm ready to run!