i do...not know what the point of this post is.

So I've been saying for the last week or two that marriage is the absolute last thing I want with my life. And I think I should write a few sentences just so if/when I decide I'm crazy or want to figure out what I was thinking...I'll be able to look back. Or something. Maybe I just had a thought. That's more likely. Anyway.

I think that marriage is a beautiful gift from God. And it's always been the plan. Get married, have my 4 kids (Because I believed I was made to be a mother. Who knows, I might still be.) But after relentless discussions and considerations in class and in conversations and in my brain, marriage scares me more than anything in the world right now. People say that there are so many ways to screw up parenting; well I think there are so many ways to screw up a marriage. And that kind of pain is not something I want to cause and not something I want to experience. But today I realized that I am wishing to be alone. And it's not cool for me to determine God's plan for me so early. What do I know of what's in store? So anyway, if it's His will, I hope I do get to experience the whole marriage thing and I hope it is a blessing. But I have such a long way to go before I'm ready to be a good wife for anyone. Because right now the more I think about it, all I get is terrified. And if it happens, it's going to be a big deal, because getting married means that I will be okay with these fears. Not that they will have dissipated, but I will be confident they have the propensity to be overcome.

Anyway. This was a silly post. But it was on my mind.

Conclusion: If I grow old and live with my dogs, awesome. I will consider myself blessed.

If I grow old with a husband whom I love, awesome. I will consider myself blessed. But talk to me about that when I'm not so jaded.