Hello. I've been kind of a downer lately. I've been confused and generally sad. Which is unfortunate. There is so much good in my life. Literally everything is good. I can't actually think of a bad thing. Yet I'm dreary. It's so silly. See, every time I get bummed, something new and awesome springs up. I feel like God's saying, "Hey Kels, look. Remember how much I've given you? Get excited!" I do remember. I am very blessed. I need only to be happy. And I am. I really and truly am. I'm excited and I have joy. Yet that's not all I have. I wish I weren't so conflicted about this. It's like I like to be sad or something. Why else would I be anything but glad? Life is wonderful. God is so good.

This really was a coherent thought in my head. In fact, I saved it for last because I thought I could make something out of it. Ha, unfortunately not. Sorry.

aza part 2

Last year when I got home from choir tour in Arizona, I wrote down a list of things I learned there. (That is list can be found here: http://forapoint.blogspot.com/2010/04/aza.html...if you're strangely interested.) I just got back from Arizona again. And while I was only there a combined two days, I still learned things. And thought things. Anyway here are my reflections of sorts..

Firstly, I learned that it would be totally possible for me to live on the road. Driving and riding I am completely 100% content. But I also learned that I would not want to drive through Nebraska or New Mexico. Not very pretty. Ha, there's gotta be something wrong with me though. I drove to and from Texas not even two weeks ago and then went back for another 28 hours. I don't know what I'll do when I realize I don't have another road trip to look forward to. Drivespoiled. That's what I am.

Second is that I really love people. I get super self-conscious that I make bad impressions and I'm easily intimidated, but I'm learning that people love to be valued and appreciated. And it's a really cool thing to do the appreciating. God really does give people some pretty awesome talents and qualities. And I am so blessed to experience them.

It's okay to be lost. To run down twisty roads in the dark and to be a little afraid. It makes your appreciate being found. Hey, sometimes when you get found, you wish you were lost again. Being lost is important. It makes you think and figure stuff out. It makes you stop and be confused a bit. That's healthy. Consider. Determine. Act. Don't get stressed. You can't stay lost forever. Even if you never find your way back, you at least become familiar with your surroundings.

Kids are beyond cool, man. This five year old ball of energy reminded me how much joy there is in life. As much as I want to teach the big kids...I can't really imagine not having a kindergartener someday.

In other news:

851 is a very, very big number.

Reading is wonderful.

Dads are cool people.

Lizards and adventure are vital to life.

Self control is important.

Don't hate, appreciate! Especially when you don't know why you're mad.

God's rage is beautiful. Imagine what is love looks like. Obviously too profound to be my own thought.

Too much of anything can become exhausting.

Always. Always ask questions.

Take advantage of airplane conversations.

Deep breaths and smiling are key.

If you haven't noticed, I've gotten too lazy to expound on each of these.

Minnesota. You and I. We've seen better days in our relationship. I realize I've been neglecting you the last year or so. I was thinking about it, and I've truly never been more places in such a short period of time in my life. Since just about exactly a year ago, I've been to Arizona, California, Colorado, Virginia, Wisconsin, Iowa, Texas, and Arizona again...plus Missouri, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and New Mexico if you count driving through. Kinda crazy for someone who considered herself a non-traveler...anyway. Minnesota, looking at all this freezing rain, can you blame me for leaving? Soon and very soon I get to make my escape again--venturing off into the wilderness of beautiful Idaho. Cannot wait. And I cannot say that enough. I used to think that I'd live in Minnesota forever. I like my four seasons, I'm comfortable here and don't really jump at the opportunity for change (plus the school system is pretty tops). But someday, I might just go for good. Who's coming with me?

Hyellow! I am sitting in the airport and giving you something to read. IFLYBTB!

i do...not know what the point of this post is.

So I've been saying for the last week or two that marriage is the absolute last thing I want with my life. And I think I should write a few sentences just so if/when I decide I'm crazy or want to figure out what I was thinking...I'll be able to look back. Or something. Maybe I just had a thought. That's more likely. Anyway.

I think that marriage is a beautiful gift from God. And it's always been the plan. Get married, have my 4 kids (Because I believed I was made to be a mother. Who knows, I might still be.) But after relentless discussions and considerations in class and in conversations and in my brain, marriage scares me more than anything in the world right now. People say that there are so many ways to screw up parenting; well I think there are so many ways to screw up a marriage. And that kind of pain is not something I want to cause and not something I want to experience. But today I realized that I am wishing to be alone. And it's not cool for me to determine God's plan for me so early. What do I know of what's in store? So anyway, if it's His will, I hope I do get to experience the whole marriage thing and I hope it is a blessing. But I have such a long way to go before I'm ready to be a good wife for anyone. Because right now the more I think about it, all I get is terrified. And if it happens, it's going to be a big deal, because getting married means that I will be okay with these fears. Not that they will have dissipated, but I will be confident they have the propensity to be overcome.

Anyway. This was a silly post. But it was on my mind.

Conclusion: If I grow old and live with my dogs, awesome. I will consider myself blessed.

If I grow old with a husband whom I love, awesome. I will consider myself blessed. But talk to me about that when I'm not so jaded.

Grrrr Kelsey

Tonight I had plans. Fun plans even. And I laid down for a five minute nap that turned into 5 hours. Thus I did not have my plans or do my homework. Or pack for Arizona. And I am extremely exhausted. I dislike being such a good sleeper. I wish I were a good awaker.

Love for Trapp

When it comes to levels and layers, love is topic where these are seemingly infinite. The world is in constant pursuit for the meaning of love, and we are taught from an early age what this might mean for us individually and for the greater human race. My own thoughts on love are often convoluted and far from fully-formed, but they are thoughts nonetheless. This may be rambling and is admittedly a simple stream of consciousness, but what follows is a brief history of what I have learned of love throughout my life and what I continue to learn today.

When I was young I learned that my parents loved me. To me, this meant that they provided voices for stuffed animals when I played and that they hugged me close when I cried. Love was equivalent to safety. I was comforted by their presence and desired to rest in laps and be encompassed by huge bear hugs whenever possible. I was happy simply to know they loved me. But I also learned what it meant to love them back. Loving my parents meant picking up my toys and letting them know every single time I went potty like a big girl. Loving them meant doing anything to make them proud.

I learned what love means for siblings. I knew my brothers loved me when we played cowboys and basketball. I called and called for them to play with me because I didn’t want to play with anyone else. I loved them, even when they knocked over my Lincoln Logs or took the last cookie. I learned that sometimes loving means that you can fight with someone until you’re physically exhausted from screaming and crying, and then the next day you can be friends again. I learned that loving means sharing what you have--your toys as well as your experiences and your fights.

I learned that Jesus loves me. This I knew...and that somewhere in the Bible it tells me so. I learned that Jesus loves me more than anyone, so much that He would die when He didn’t have to so I could live with Him forever. And I learned to love Him too, and loving meant being nice and sharing and praying before bedtime.

I went to school and learned that love isn’t just about people. I learned to love reading and learning and thinking. I learned that it’s okay not to love everything, but it’s not okay to make a fuss about it. I learned to love recess and friends. I learned that when a boy gives you a ring in first grade, that just might be real love. I later learned that it isn’t. I learned that love means caring for the people around you, and if that was the case, then Miss Stindt loved me very much. I learned that love can make you cry when your friends move away, but that the tears from that love fade as time goes on. I learned slowly to give love time to grow. That love requires honesty. And fairness. And that kind of love can make just about anyone happy. And that love can last.

In middle school, I learned that love is fickle, and by 6th grade I had fallen in and out of love with so many boys I lost count. But then I learned that you probably have to talk to a boy before the love is made real. I learned from books and television what real live love looks like, and that it usually requires something called a “french kiss.”

I learned to love the colors green and white, and to display that love by painting my face at pep rallies. I learned that love for teams can create rifts and rudeness, and that deep connections to groups can create an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when a loss is suffered.

I learned that the love of God is undeserved, and that that is the best kind of love of all. I learned that He made me, He saved me, and He cares about me, even when I don’t deserve it. I learned how awesome it is to be surrounded by that love and to learn about it daily. I learned that love is patient and kind, and anything true about love is true about God.

In high school, I learned about heartache. I learned what it feels like when friends fail and when love is betrayed. I learned what looks like from the inside of a clique, and how it looks from the outside of one. I learned that love can hurt.

I learned that love takes commitment, and that it is more confusing that I thought. That it deserves time and thought and sometimes tears. I learned that even though a boy asks you to the prom, you don’t have to kiss him or tell him that you love him. Love can’t be forced. And I learned that love is more than what you hear about on the radio, even if every song that plays happens to remind you someone in particular.

I learned what it feels like when love is ripped from you. I learned that you sometimes don’t realize how much you love someone until they are gone. Love can make you feel guilty. Love can make you want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Love can make you question everything when death steals it away.

But I learned that God doesn’t want love to be like that. I learned that love from God is comfort and peace. Love from God is like a wave that covers you. He is there when all other love fails. His love gives hope.

I went to college and learned how difficult it is to be away from the ones you love. I learned that distance hinders relationships even when you were certain they could withstand anything. I learned that feelings change and love changes. And new love is always developing.

In the summer, I learned from children how to love better and how to find joy. I learned that love isn’t jealous and that real love doesn’t become angry when mistakes are made. I learned how to love people who are different from me. That everyone is unique and everyone is lovable. And that I am lovable. I learned how to entrust my heart to people--to become vulnerable with people I know can hurt me, but I trust never will. I learned what it looks like when love grows on turbo speed, and that deep relationships form when God is at the center. I learned how to share the love of God with those around me. I learned the joy that comes from loving others--from seeing their needs and serving them instead of your own.

I learned that love that is unrequited can sting in places you did not know existed, and that it is difficult to reverse the effects of love once the ball gets rolling. I’ve learned that it love overpowers the mind, if only for a moment. Love is an unstoppable force. An uncontrollable impulse. I’ve learned that that’s okay.

I have learned what it means to be so deeply connected with someone that love is the only word to describe it, and yet the term seems lacking. I’ve learned what it is to give yourself fully to another and receive the same in return. That love is doing everything in your power to care for another, and that there is a difference between loving and loving well. Between love and being in love. I’ve learned that love is exciting and love is dangerous. Love is confusing and rare. Love can become so overwhelming that nothing else can seem to matter. Love can be the most pure and natural high in the world.

But I learned that sometimes love is not enough. And the pain from love lost can be just as overwhelming as the joy it once brought. Love can well up inside you and make you crazy with pain. It can control you mentally and physically as well as emotionally. It can ruin everything you once had. But love that is real is never regrettable.

I have learned that love means infinitely different things in different situations. Love of a parent is vastly different from the love of a friend which is yet dissimilar to the love of a significant other. And all of these are even further removed from my newfound love for nutella. I have learned that sometimes the coolest kinds of love are between people who don’t know each other. Love that comes from some selfless place can change the world, even if that world is only according to one individual.

I’ve learned that love can be inconsistent. And I have learned to not trust love. Love that fails and love that is impossible and love that causes pain--who wants to be part of that? Love of the world is flawed. Love here is fleeting. But I have learned that God’s love is constant. And His love is pure. His love motivated him to make the ultimate sacrifice for me even though all I ever do is spit in His face. I’ve learned that I am ultimately undeserving of love. I do not deserve compassion or care. I am judgmental and proud and cruel. I deserve to be forgotten and punished by a perfect creator. And this is precisely what makes Love so truly awe-inspiring. Christ takes everything I have learned about love in my twenty years of life and blows it out of the water. In comparison to the Love I know from Jesus, everything else I have learned is untrue. And this amazing Love is what enables me to love others. This Love is what compels me to live not for myself, but for Him who loved me first.

Tonight I fell in love with the stair-stepper

I haven't worked out hard in a long time. I've gone on runs. But to actually push myself if rare. Tonight was a very good night. I almost couldn't walk afterward. Which was kind of awesome. Kelseytime. Yep.

yuck

So for my health class, I had to assess my food intake for one day. Just one day (and I even ate less because I was evaluating). What have I discovered? I am disgusting. No wonder I am constantly gaining weight. Not that that's the be all end all, but I'm just plain not healthy! I need to figure out a way to be more...balanced here at school. Cause dude. Gross.

This will also make me start running again.

Thank you, Brian Johnson.

happy pi day!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BwKZEp2K_0&feature=related

I recently arrived at school from spring break. I am alone in my apartment, which is really my favorite part about right now. I'm frustrated with myself because I literally haven't even been here for an hour and I already want to leave. It's silly and dumb, but I just want to be done with school. I get like this every so often. And I complain and it's super annoying to listen to myself. And then I suck it up. And life goes on. And I learn to be happy. Because I like being happy, I really do. Blah. I just need to find reason right now. That's not to say there isn't reason. I'm just preventing myself from seeing it I guess.

Scratch that. I'm no longer alone.

I would really like some spring. Really really. The ability to be outside and not be grossed out by the cold and the snow would be awesome.

That's why Texas was so nice. It was spring weather and people were happy and kind.

I'm really sick of overthinking my life. I need to let go and let God do His work.

What I really want is a friend. A friend who is here. I have friends, don't get me wrong. But I'm also new and I don't have my friend. One that depends on me and vice versa. One with whom I can talk to about anything and nothing forever and have adventures and just be. Without overanalyzation. Just a friend. Yeah that'd be nice.

And then there's Idaho. I just want it to be now. But then with all of this--the wanting to leave winter and going to Idaho and blah just all of it--I feel like I'm just trying to escape. And what I'm trying to escape, I don't know. Because my life is pretty dang great. I'm just so frazzled by change and responsibility and the tiny strokes of growing up that I'm experiencing that I want to go somewhere where I can simply be. But if I did that, then I'd have my same problem because I wouldn't want to deal with that change either. Anyway, I've figured out I'm trying to escape. And that's not cool. Maybe it's a good thing not to go to Arizona.

This is a misguided post. And a rather downer. Meh. I'm good, I'm just discouraged by the end of spring break I suppose. And I'm feeling alone. I really hate being alone. But I know I'm not. God is steadfast. And He loves me even though I'm so far from deserving of it. I'm just kind of hoping he sends me a hug today.