How do I plead? That's easy: Guilty.

Guilt trips are huge for me. You can say just six words, and my stomach is in knots for an entire day, no exaggeration. From Dad mentioning every single thing he's ever done for me when he's upset to friends mentioning why something I did rubbed them wrong--it drives me crazy. Not crazy annoyed, crazy shamed. Even when I believe my actions to be entirely legitimate, even when I know in my gut that the other person is completely and totally wrong, I get this overwhelming yearning to be forgiven, to make it right in their eyes. And when I don't get that closure, that's the worst.

When I was five, I watched my older brother put a three-year-old on the roof of a boathouse. He didn't get hurt, and all I did was watch, but to this day, I am unable to look the kid's parents in the eye. I physically cannot say hello to my pastor because I'm pretty sure I was intensely impolite to him the first time we met. One of my best friends from high school is the one person I cannot stand to be around, solely because she always makes me feel so guilty when I'm around her. And I feel guilty that I don't like that.

I feel guilty when I do something wrong, I feel guilty when someone else does something wrong, I feel guilty whenever someone is sad, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

There's a time and place for guilt. I mean, there's a reason we have it. And it's important to make things right. But the completely painful and overpowering way I feel guilt, I could live without that.

I found a way to cheat, if I wanted to. I'm posting this at 3:46 pm. And it says I'm posting it at 2:56pm. And for that, I feel guilty.