I'd love to keep my head.

Two naps on the day amounts to my still being awake and working at 2:55. But I wrote me a speech, colored a crown, and it's more or less the weekend! Long live King Louis XVI, and by long, I mean please let me live til the end of the semester!!

I'm out, hellooo best night of the week! It's still Thursday to me:)

How do I plead? That's easy: Guilty.

Guilt trips are huge for me. You can say just six words, and my stomach is in knots for an entire day, no exaggeration. From Dad mentioning every single thing he's ever done for me when he's upset to friends mentioning why something I did rubbed them wrong--it drives me crazy. Not crazy annoyed, crazy shamed. Even when I believe my actions to be entirely legitimate, even when I know in my gut that the other person is completely and totally wrong, I get this overwhelming yearning to be forgiven, to make it right in their eyes. And when I don't get that closure, that's the worst.

When I was five, I watched my older brother put a three-year-old on the roof of a boathouse. He didn't get hurt, and all I did was watch, but to this day, I am unable to look the kid's parents in the eye. I physically cannot say hello to my pastor because I'm pretty sure I was intensely impolite to him the first time we met. One of my best friends from high school is the one person I cannot stand to be around, solely because she always makes me feel so guilty when I'm around her. And I feel guilty that I don't like that.

I feel guilty when I do something wrong, I feel guilty when someone else does something wrong, I feel guilty whenever someone is sad, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

There's a time and place for guilt. I mean, there's a reason we have it. And it's important to make things right. But the completely painful and overpowering way I feel guilt, I could live without that.

I found a way to cheat, if I wanted to. I'm posting this at 3:46 pm. And it says I'm posting it at 2:56pm. And for that, I feel guilty.

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Terrific Tuesdays

Tuesday is by far the best day of the week. Three reasons contribute to this truth:

First, Tuesday is math and tai chi day. No overwhelming politics, no pointless mythology. Just the good stuff.

Second, Blender Tuesdays. This new tradition is brilliant. Tuesday nights at 830 consist of shakes, smoothies, random creations, and good times all around.

Finally, and this reason only pertains to today, Tuesday the 27th was tie-dye Tuesday with the little partner. My hands are stained and my heart is happy.

I am tired, I feel so sick I could fall over, and I am completely overwhelmed with work. But Tuesdays are terrific. And I am glad.

Holy canoley. Wow. That was possibly, no, that was definitely the worst class I've ever sat through. In fact, it was probably the worst class that has ever taken place in history. I wish I were exaggerating. I can't even properly relate my embarrassment for myself and my peers on this page. The fifty minute class period lasted at least three hours, and intelligent moments occurred twice, possibly three times in the course of the discussion, if you can even call it a discussion. We were let out 15 minutes early after being berated, with legitimacy, and informed of our suckage.

Granted, I wasn't as embarrassed as I could have been. I went in and talked to this prof before class today, and as it stood, I had reason to abstain from discussion today. But that doesn't erase the fact that I had absolutely no idea what was going on..

Basically what I've realized today is that I need to get my butt in gear. I've been all whiny about the month of school I have to trudge through, and yes, it's a long time. But that's just it. I still have things to learn and prove, teachers to learn from and impress. I still have an eighth of my school year left. And if I keep coasting, I'm screwed. So starting today, my dorm room is only my second home. My primary residence, from now until May 24th, 2010, will be the Folke Bernadette Memorial Library. Let the best month of my life ensue.

if you can call it that

First cry since January. Refreshing.

I'm all about the assortment lately.

3 things today:

First, I just went downstairs to put away some paint away, and laughed at the rubber mouse someone had put on the carpet. It looked very convincing, and I was looking forward to asking my dad how much my mom freaked out when she saw it. I almost kicked it, but stepped over and put the paint away. On my way back, I went to pick the rubber mouse up to bring upstairs, when I realized that this was NOT a rubber mouse. Rubber mice do not have fur or a moving tail. Yuck. I almost kicked that.

Second is my humbling realization of the day. My dad can kick my ass at running. He will be training me. And I have to get over that.

Third, today was Confirmation Sunday. And this morning I very much wanted to go to Living Hope to avoid sitting through an entire "boring" and packed service. I think I have this mindset often. It's a bummer when there's a baptism because the service will take ten minutes longer. Dang, communion PLUS he's preaching? It took me a second to realize how backwards this mindset really is. Today, I got to watch 36 kids proclaim their faith for themselves to an entire congregation. Today, I got to be a part of their faith journey. I get to welcome infants into God's family, I get to partake in a meal of my Lord's body and blood because he wants only what is best for me. These aren't inconveniences. These are privileges and these are blessings. And today I got 36 reminders of Christ's love for me.

Isaiah 41:10--So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thoughts on a saturday

First thought, I don't want to blog. It's weird getting back the swing, and I'm realizing that while I promise myself substantial-ness, I have nothing good about which to write. So it might be a few days before this is interesting to read. Or it'll never get there. We'll see.

Second thought, rain+cold=misery. Today I went to watch a half-marathon, and I was painfully reminded of the miserable part of my boundary waters experience this summer. Granted it was probably one of the best weeks of my life thus far, but being that wet and that cold for that long was totes roughskies, to say the least. My 2.5 hours in the cold and rain at this race was nothing comparatively, yet it was bru-tal.

Which leads me to thought number three: I am nervous to run a marathon. Wow. I don't know if I can do it.

Thought four, I love to nap. I was out so hard today. And it was worth it.

Five, I am a strange individual. I'll leave that one there.

Thought number six, tonight is the Connection Special, meaning tonight is the culmination of every show choir senior's high school career. They are nervous, and excited, and blubbering and nostalgic, and I'm very much looking forward to the show. But the real thought is wow. I just watched the "meow" performance we did at our Connection Special last year, and I was so embarrassed I couldn't finish watching it. Hands down the most disrespectful thing I've ever done. This is the first time I've been embarrassed of it.

Thought seven, I'm really excited to eat Chipotle. So I'm going to leave this now.

Thought eight, I wish my thoughts were as deep as I once thought they were :)

Made it!

Late night Walmart runs are skeeetchy. Tomorrow I will write something substantial! Goodnight!

never enough thyme

I had planned what I was going to write today. It would have been a real thought. But alas, I have a test for which to study and homework through which to lumber. So I will write nothing of importance. This has been one of the fastest weeks my life has known. Friday? Holy. Canoley.

Nitty Tuht Tum Pway.

My brother is home, and so I have already narrowly missed my 12:00 deadline/taken my off day for the week of blogging. But that's beside the point. The point for today, as this blog surely always has a point....is that he's home. Nick's been in Costa Rica for the last four months, and it's actually weird how much I've missed him. I mean it's not like he was gone for an unbelievably long amount of time, and granted we haven't always had the most spotless of relationships. This summer, in fact, he absolutely hated my guts--that's not an exaggeration. My very insides were loathed. But that doesn't change the fact that he's my brother. And let me tell you, my brother is great.

He's a quiet kid, my brother. One of my best friends was absolutely terrified to be around him when we were younger, and is even now she's a little leery when he's around. I think that's cause quietness often gets taken for coldness, and thus intimidation ensues. Whatever the case, Nick's changed a lot since Hill and I ran away from him in 4th grade. His once seemingly cold demeanor has warmed up a bit. He's kind. He respects his parents. He laughs. He gives. He appreciates. And I sincerely believe these last four months away from home have changed him the most.

I've spent my life looking up to my older brother. There is nothing I wouldn't do to earn his favor. I used to cry when he taught Ryan the chant "You're my buddy, right?" "Right." "And Kelsey's mean, right?" "Right." And I've heard endless stories of how I would stand at the top of the stairs and scream my lungs out until Nitty Tuht would come and play with me. He was the one who cracked my chin open on the driveway and who ran buck naked around the backyard with me. He was the reason I was disgusted with barbies, and he fueled my love for the Timberwolves. We grew up concocting insane games and sticking together over everyone else. I loved being the one whom he loved. I loved that he would come to me when he was angry and when he wanted to laugh. I loved that I could make him happy simply by agreeing with him. I loved being on his side.

And that part hasn't changed. I love my brother with everything I am. I've enjoyed every minute of his first night back, staying up with him and listening to his stories, remembering the ways to get his maximum laugh..it sounds strange, like I'm trying too hard..but really, I just love it when he likes me. And tonight I've realized that now, more than ever, he is able to teach me things about life that no one else can. He's grown up. It's crazy to look at him and see a full-blown adult, but that's what he is. His full embrace of life astounds me. He's a quiet kid, my brother. But he's also guy who gets it, one who's finally had it click. So I guess what this completely non-sensical entry is trying to get at (so much for a point), is that I hope he's ready for someone looking up to him. I hope he'll embrace the questions and experiences that our sibling-ship will entail. Cause as much as I've watched him grow up from his days as a Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle-loving basketball enthusiast --as much as he's changed, the way I look up to him and the unrelenting and unconditional way I love him--that's constant.

For ANOTHER Point

It is SO on. And silly timestamp mistakes will NOT get me this time. You're goin' DOWN!

I'm so tired it's literally painful right now. It was important for me to write that down.

aza

I was told to only stay up doing homework for as long as I could stay focused...I passed that point long ago. So I'm going to (gulp) skip the rest of my homework and promise (ha) to work my butt off tomorrow. We'll see. But anyway, I figured I should do something before I forget everything that happened in AZ over this young choir tour. Because I don't feel like being coherent, I'm just going to make a list.

Things I learned in Arizona

-People appreciate people who appreciate them

-Sometimes your assumptions of people are very very wrong...but sometimes they're right

-Minnesota is a great place to live

-Cacti aren't all that pretty

-Strawberries are delicious

-When you go somewhere, you should experience it to the full

-Being around people who love life is key to loving life yourself

-Don't do anything you don't want people talking about when you're not there, cause everyone will talk about it

-Shoulder pads are never a good idea

-To be comfortable, you must first be uncomfortable

-Hospitality is an amazing thing, and should always be recognized

-Music transcends....a lot of stuff

-Convenience should never trump experience

-Conversation is unparalleled--always ask questions.

-I can survive in dresses...when I have to

Nighttime.

Today it was rainy. As I walked back from the library, I wrapped my sweatshirt tightly around my chilled body, head down, hood up, doing everything in my power to simply escape the happenings around me. But then I stopped, realizing I couldn't make the raindrops stop drenching my clothes and messing up my hair. So I put my hood down and took my shoes off. I walked slowly through the parking lot, enjoying the cool pavement under my feet and the raindrops sliding down my face. I smiled in awe of the lightning, laughing as the thunder chilled my bones. It was easily the best part of my day.

Sometimes it's that simple.

certainly the Assembly will be called to discuss the flavor...

To what extent is ridiculous-ness appealing or even acceptable in writing? I just ended a 5-page politics paper in the discussion of a boxing fight occuring in a vat of chocolate pudding--and I think I like it.. Horray for 2:50 a.m. inspiration.

so it's a bad week.

This week, I'm sad. I've gotten over the crankpot-ness that was consuming me, but there's still the rest of it. There's still a lot I miss, things I wish I could do, things I wish I understood. This my first real "bad week" at college. I have say I'm grateful for that. Last week, actually, I was thinking about it, and while I've been here, there have been few simply "bad days" here where I've been really and truly in a down or cranky mood all the time. The beginning the year was hard, but I was always able to say I was doing "great" when someone asked. I mean, that'll teach me to knock on wood, but it's certainly somethin. It's okay to have a bad week. I guess I'm due..

I babysat/nannied for my cousins in Wisconsin several summers ago, and we went to Six Flags. The lines were horrible, I wasn't entirely impressed with the roller coasters, and the prizes paled in comparison to good ol' Valleyfair, but there was a moment--probably less than a minute--in the waterpark that I don't think I'll forget for a really long while. We were just about to leave, and I just took a couple seconds and stood there waiting for Jess and Jake to catch up. The sun was warm on my skin, the air was cool and flowed through my nostrils, I had no worries or cares. I was totally and completely content in that moment. It was a really weird thing, but right then, I didn't want to ever forget that moment. Maybe it was because it was so average, yet it was so singularly extraordinary. I told myself that whenever I was having a bad day, or whenever I was sick, or whenever I was stressed, I could think of that particular moment and know that things would get better. Because that extraordinary and average moment--it existed. And one just as great could come again. So when I've got the-worst-cold-of-my-life or I'm stressed-out-of-my-mind or when life-is-just-pointless, I've still got the moment. The moment that I stopped to take careful note of how it feels to be well and simply content, the moment I took to appreciate God simply allowing me to be. The moment I finally didn't take for granted life being good for no particular reason. It sounds silly. But so was I as an 8th grader, and I'm glad for that--cause sometimes it helps.

And tonight, particularly, that is what helps. Cause there was a time, and it wasn't necessarily awesome or epic, when I was overwhelmingly content. I know what it feels to be well, and I know what it feels to be happy. I'm sad this week. I'm discouraged. But that happens. I'll just keep my eyes open for more extraordinary and average moments. And that's enough.

Well that was short-lived

Hey.

Get over yourself.

Ok.

I'm 11 hours and 30 minutes into this here Tuesday. I've only been awake for 2. And I'm already changing my tune. It's gonna be hard. It's probably gonna have some suck to it. But that's okay. Now is not the time for sitting and sulking. There's way too much stuff to get out of the last 7 weeks of my first year here. Now is the time for making time lines and checklists, for setting goals, for working my butt off and finding time to screw around, for seeing the little joys all around me--like Lucky Charms and a new sweet journal and notes left in my p.o. Yes, May 31st cannot come fast enough. But yes, I can make it there, and yes, I will find reason to enjoy the road getting there. Life is good. God is Great.

Here's the poop..

Verbal diarrhea. Here goes. I've been told to blog about my "feelings." All I feel right now is annoyed. I'm annoyed at everything these last two days. Friends and strangers and stores and traffic and laundry and candles and Spongebob...everything. Yesterday, I got annoyed by ice, for Pete's sake! And I'm annoyed at Pete's sake! Cliches like the sake of Pete, that is.

Mainly I'm annoyed that I'm here. In my dorm room. At school. At 2:19 am. I'm severely annoyed that I'll be here for the next 6 weeks, solid...I lied. 7 weeks, very solid. There are friends of mine who are out in 22 days...22 days!!! And I'm stuck here. For 7 weeks. Genuinely annoyed with everything around me. And genuinely annoyed that it just took me 4 times to spell the word genuinely.

It sounds so juvenile and crank-tastic but I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next close to two months. Maybe I'm pmsing. Nah, too early. I'm just. Antsy and unmotivated at the same time. Which makes for a pretty crazy state of mind. On the one hand, I can't wait for summer to begin--May 31st cannot come soon enough. But on the other hand, I don't want to do any sort of work that will put me closer to that goal. It's a total conflict of interest. So I'm stuck here. On my futon. Not wanting to sleep, because it will bring me to tomorrow that much faster, but concurrently wanting to simply sleep and run and sleep again through tomorrow and the next day and the next. Blah, they tell you not to wish time away...I'm wishin.

So now I'm left with how to creep by these next few weeks without their noticing and detaining me. I can't stay in this rut for too long--I'm annoying myself. I have no desire for anything. I'm just. Yuck.

So that's my diarrhea for the night. It's been awhile since I've posted..lovely way to begin again. Maybe tomorrow I'll write dark poetry or go on a rant about trees. The sky's the limit right now. Good night, world. I know you currently loathe me as much as I do you. And in that I take comfort.