I'm so tired it's literally painful right now. It was important for me to write that down.

aza

I was told to only stay up doing homework for as long as I could stay focused...I passed that point long ago. So I'm going to (gulp) skip the rest of my homework and promise (ha) to work my butt off tomorrow. We'll see. But anyway, I figured I should do something before I forget everything that happened in AZ over this young choir tour. Because I don't feel like being coherent, I'm just going to make a list.

Things I learned in Arizona

-People appreciate people who appreciate them

-Sometimes your assumptions of people are very very wrong...but sometimes they're right

-Minnesota is a great place to live

-Cacti aren't all that pretty

-Strawberries are delicious

-When you go somewhere, you should experience it to the full

-Being around people who love life is key to loving life yourself

-Don't do anything you don't want people talking about when you're not there, cause everyone will talk about it

-Shoulder pads are never a good idea

-To be comfortable, you must first be uncomfortable

-Hospitality is an amazing thing, and should always be recognized

-Music transcends....a lot of stuff

-Convenience should never trump experience

-Conversation is unparalleled--always ask questions.

-I can survive in dresses...when I have to

Nighttime.

Today it was rainy. As I walked back from the library, I wrapped my sweatshirt tightly around my chilled body, head down, hood up, doing everything in my power to simply escape the happenings around me. But then I stopped, realizing I couldn't make the raindrops stop drenching my clothes and messing up my hair. So I put my hood down and took my shoes off. I walked slowly through the parking lot, enjoying the cool pavement under my feet and the raindrops sliding down my face. I smiled in awe of the lightning, laughing as the thunder chilled my bones. It was easily the best part of my day.

Sometimes it's that simple.

certainly the Assembly will be called to discuss the flavor...

To what extent is ridiculous-ness appealing or even acceptable in writing? I just ended a 5-page politics paper in the discussion of a boxing fight occuring in a vat of chocolate pudding--and I think I like it.. Horray for 2:50 a.m. inspiration.

so it's a bad week.

This week, I'm sad. I've gotten over the crankpot-ness that was consuming me, but there's still the rest of it. There's still a lot I miss, things I wish I could do, things I wish I understood. This my first real "bad week" at college. I have say I'm grateful for that. Last week, actually, I was thinking about it, and while I've been here, there have been few simply "bad days" here where I've been really and truly in a down or cranky mood all the time. The beginning the year was hard, but I was always able to say I was doing "great" when someone asked. I mean, that'll teach me to knock on wood, but it's certainly somethin. It's okay to have a bad week. I guess I'm due..

I babysat/nannied for my cousins in Wisconsin several summers ago, and we went to Six Flags. The lines were horrible, I wasn't entirely impressed with the roller coasters, and the prizes paled in comparison to good ol' Valleyfair, but there was a moment--probably less than a minute--in the waterpark that I don't think I'll forget for a really long while. We were just about to leave, and I just took a couple seconds and stood there waiting for Jess and Jake to catch up. The sun was warm on my skin, the air was cool and flowed through my nostrils, I had no worries or cares. I was totally and completely content in that moment. It was a really weird thing, but right then, I didn't want to ever forget that moment. Maybe it was because it was so average, yet it was so singularly extraordinary. I told myself that whenever I was having a bad day, or whenever I was sick, or whenever I was stressed, I could think of that particular moment and know that things would get better. Because that extraordinary and average moment--it existed. And one just as great could come again. So when I've got the-worst-cold-of-my-life or I'm stressed-out-of-my-mind or when life-is-just-pointless, I've still got the moment. The moment that I stopped to take careful note of how it feels to be well and simply content, the moment I took to appreciate God simply allowing me to be. The moment I finally didn't take for granted life being good for no particular reason. It sounds silly. But so was I as an 8th grader, and I'm glad for that--cause sometimes it helps.

And tonight, particularly, that is what helps. Cause there was a time, and it wasn't necessarily awesome or epic, when I was overwhelmingly content. I know what it feels to be well, and I know what it feels to be happy. I'm sad this week. I'm discouraged. But that happens. I'll just keep my eyes open for more extraordinary and average moments. And that's enough.

Well that was short-lived

Hey.

Get over yourself.

Ok.

I'm 11 hours and 30 minutes into this here Tuesday. I've only been awake for 2. And I'm already changing my tune. It's gonna be hard. It's probably gonna have some suck to it. But that's okay. Now is not the time for sitting and sulking. There's way too much stuff to get out of the last 7 weeks of my first year here. Now is the time for making time lines and checklists, for setting goals, for working my butt off and finding time to screw around, for seeing the little joys all around me--like Lucky Charms and a new sweet journal and notes left in my p.o. Yes, May 31st cannot come fast enough. But yes, I can make it there, and yes, I will find reason to enjoy the road getting there. Life is good. God is Great.

Here's the poop..

Verbal diarrhea. Here goes. I've been told to blog about my "feelings." All I feel right now is annoyed. I'm annoyed at everything these last two days. Friends and strangers and stores and traffic and laundry and candles and Spongebob...everything. Yesterday, I got annoyed by ice, for Pete's sake! And I'm annoyed at Pete's sake! Cliches like the sake of Pete, that is.

Mainly I'm annoyed that I'm here. In my dorm room. At school. At 2:19 am. I'm severely annoyed that I'll be here for the next 6 weeks, solid...I lied. 7 weeks, very solid. There are friends of mine who are out in 22 days...22 days!!! And I'm stuck here. For 7 weeks. Genuinely annoyed with everything around me. And genuinely annoyed that it just took me 4 times to spell the word genuinely.

It sounds so juvenile and crank-tastic but I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next close to two months. Maybe I'm pmsing. Nah, too early. I'm just. Antsy and unmotivated at the same time. Which makes for a pretty crazy state of mind. On the one hand, I can't wait for summer to begin--May 31st cannot come soon enough. But on the other hand, I don't want to do any sort of work that will put me closer to that goal. It's a total conflict of interest. So I'm stuck here. On my futon. Not wanting to sleep, because it will bring me to tomorrow that much faster, but concurrently wanting to simply sleep and run and sleep again through tomorrow and the next day and the next. Blah, they tell you not to wish time away...I'm wishin.

So now I'm left with how to creep by these next few weeks without their noticing and detaining me. I can't stay in this rut for too long--I'm annoying myself. I have no desire for anything. I'm just. Yuck.

So that's my diarrhea for the night. It's been awhile since I've posted..lovely way to begin again. Maybe tomorrow I'll write dark poetry or go on a rant about trees. The sky's the limit right now. Good night, world. I know you currently loathe me as much as I do you. And in that I take comfort.