June 13th
Today God opened my eyes and let me really know what this is all about. I've always been so confident about wanting to do this--I've repeatedly said that, "I just know that this is what I'm supposed to do." But I think I've dumbed this position down in my head to the point where I thought I could just come in and handle it on my own. God's told me two things today: a) Alright, Kelsey, if you're so confident we'll see how you do when I throw you a curve because b) there is no way you can do this without me.
Homesick campers are not a joke. When a kid stands there next to her mom already bawling her eyes out that she has to stay at camp and then her mom says that she's stubborn and hasn't made it through a week of camp before and there's really no way to console her--that's when it finally hits you that homesickness is real. I'm nervous about that week. She so so great when she's playing with the others. She's hilarious and talkative. But I don't know how to handle the point when the tears turn on and her vocabulary slims to the five words: "I want to go home." It's heartbreaking and scary and I so desperately want her to have a great week.
Non-joke realization number two: Campers who don't believe in Jesus, specifically one who says she's been to hell(?). And this is when I get overwhelmed. On the on hand, this is such a cool opportunity to witness. This girl's heart is hurting big time, and if I can be the tool that shows her God's love--that is why I'm here. But I don't feel equipped. And what happens if I can't make a difference? Maybe it's just my personality when placed under stress, but I haven't been able to truly find joy in these kids yet. I admire some of them greatly, but I'm so focused on simply the task at hand for the time being. Joey and Britt have been able to settle down and begin to build relationships already, but I've been busy making decisions and fire-preventing to love them. It's the lion in me, but this need to be my conscious effort. I'm not a fun person under stress.
Which brings me to my final thought/story of the day. I had a breakdown durning dinner. I was so overwhelmed, and I literally cried trying to figure out what was going on with my campers. And all I could this was, "Why doesn't anyone see how badly I'm struggling? Why is no one helping me?" And then I realized that this is exactly what I asked for. I wanted a chance to change lives; I wanted this job and everything that comes with it. Thanks for the irony, God.
But He will equip me. He will use me as his hands and his feed and as his mouth piece. And I will not be alone because He sees my struggle. His power is made perfect in weakness. I feel strong when I remember God's strength and help; I take joy when I think of His majesty. This is a doozy of a day one, but He knows I can do this, or rather, He knows that He can do this through me. Praise be to God!
June 14th
Today is the day I fall down in amazement at the absolutely overwhelming power of God. What a supreme turnaround! I absolutely adore my girls. Epsil-Awesome is what we have come to call ourselves, and I couldn't think of a better description. These girls are excited about everything; I see hugs flying around everywhere. They are inclusive and love games. They are smart and respectful. Epsil-Awesome. Their cheers and screams fill my heart with joy.
Home sickness can be remedied! Hallelujah! I can take literal forcing shoes on feet and pushing bodies out the door, but this afternon we learned to be happy. And we are excited about tomorrow. And all is well in the land of Epsil-Awesome. Thank you, Jesus.
And sometimes stony hearts can really be a cry for help and love. WHen pray becomes is still comforting and songs are still fun--then there is hope. Seing such a negative face expound such happiness, watching pained eyes smile--this is when I get to see Jesus. She wants to talk. There is a question in the question bucket to prove it. The Holy Spirit can do such awesome things with even little nuggest of faith and what a blessing to bear witness to such! The Lord's work is being done here!
Joey and Brit are amazing, amazing people. I absolutely love working with them and don't know what I'd do without them. Joey is quick and silly and such a leader and Britt is a rockstar with the kids, coming up with cames and absolutely capturing their attention over and over again when it's been the most needed. These girls do not back down from challenges, and I know I've been placed here with them for a reason.
Tonight I am bursting with Joy. Epsil-what? Epsil-Awesome. Bring on Tuesday :)
June 15th
1 Timothy 4:12
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.
Tonight I was positively blown away by the power of God. Also, the power of stars. To attack the starts point first, how awesome it is to be out in God's creation and wow does it get people talking. We could have been out until 2am tonight.
Going to God's power second, it is an amazing thing to listen to the children of God--God's princesses--and hear them proclaim His name. My faith was strengthened and my heart was filled tonight in listening to thoughts and questions the girls offered. What a privilege to consider with them the of their hearts. They bring up points and ideas I rarely consider, and they are so capable of just picking up the discussion and going with it. They discussed things that they need to hear and process and God's love was pulsing in the hearts. We talked about everything tonight: from stars to baptism to racism and judgement to the power of words, to evangelism to the world to heaven and hell and most importnatly to Jesus and the amazing love God has shown us. If there is one thing I want these girls to remember about this week, its that hour or so on the blacktop.
Because the thing is, these girls rule. And Jesus rules in their hearts. THe world may see them as 11-14 year olds, the age group of awkward misfits and bratty puberty-dwellers, but I have seen differently. I have never been more confident of the capability of youth and God's desire to change the world through them. What a night.
